I killed myself 131 days ago
The deceitfulness of denial reaking of dung could not be concealed any longer
The path is deeply embedded with fingernail marks on the way to the depths of hell representing the scars within
The slithering skin of shame is swathed in a cloak lined with wool and the itch is likened to the most poisonous ivy
My hands were bound yet it was a pain loathed and loved
Longed for
Forgotten then returned to
The seemingly sweat from the steadfast struggle to escape is the swamp of the salivation rising to my neck
The hunger caused me to chew my tongue
Therefore I was eating myself from the inside

Does the butterfly go through pain during Metamorphosis?
Does a baby ache during gestation?

This was necessary for rebirth
There was no rethinking this one year ago
The yawn in the morning was enough to cramp the jaw
Contemplation and premeditation lead to an anticipation of an end result and I’m imagining a free flight
Without bondage of even my inner most thoughts
A dream of freedom
Not without admission
A telekinetic breaking of the chains release my feet and I begin my journey
Liberating myself from the saliva filled pool of self loathing and sorrow
So deep in the dark abyss that the air constricts the shortest of breathes
Gasps for air like releasing the seal of a mason jar after years of preservation
My greatest insecurity blanketed
The rub was the notion that this life was for me

I flew my ship toward the stars and plunged it into the sun
Flames satisfying the itch

Ever ignore a pain always there?

The pain is only there if acknowledged
I fly now, but never alone.

Konciouslea Written

You Light Me Up

Through the simplest existence of your being
The smell of your hair ignites all that is within me
Sending a reaction throughout my body arousing all other senses
like feeling a light breeze on my neck the hairs dance
You Light Me up

The warmth of your hugs make the coldest winters non-existent
The anticipation of impact emits a glow felt to my toes
The thump of your heart felt through my own chest and we sway to its rhythm
The world spins though it feels as if time has stopped
You Light Me up like the core of the earth

Through the simplest existence of your being I am drawn
The slightest touch from your finger tips
They bring ripples of goose bumps and I am under a spell
Submission granted
I don’t mind my feet airy
On cloud nine I’m standing gravitating toward stars which spell your name
They know for its written on my heart
It’s warm like summer

The sparkle in your eyes intoxicating like a moth to a camp fire
You consume me
I burn with a desire to never be released
I burn with a desire to be. . .engulfed again in your love that is branded into me
The simplest existence of your being is an inferno and I would rather it remain
You Light Me up with an energy that brightens the darkest city at night
This may be alien to some
To me. . .it is a feeling I long for again and again

KonciouSLea Written and needing a cool drink


The oldest couple in the room I want to be them
One can tell they have stood the tests of time
They’re cute. . .watch

Without hesitation he looks around then she hands him the salt
Without asking he orders her a water and asks for extra napkins

We have seen couples and thought I want to be where they are
All without knowing what their shoes look like
They smile at each other through awkward silences. . .watch

It looks like a dead relationship
but they know each others buttons and quirks
Years of his laundry just thrown on the floor
Years of her controlling the t.v.
They don’t just mind each other they’re behind each other

This…is the couple that has been on top of the world
You make me feel that way
I could be on top of the world then you make me feel higher
The sound of your voice, the sweetest desire
Your smile, warm
It feels like home
It feels. . .eternal
A love that lasts forever

I imagine real love and it’s your face I see
A love that doesn’t have to be hidden
Like the couple that helps each other
There are no prompts or cues it just is
I want to be that couple
They buy Depends* together
“It didn’t matter as long as we’re together” type of couple
I’ll wear Depends* with you
Stand the tests of time with you
Still hold the door for you
Watch our children grow and weather the storm. . .with you

KonciouSLea Written with wearing adult briefs in mind…with you

I Would Rather

Be the runaway freight train,
the earthquake measured off the Richter
Be the tornado wrecking a small town,
the riot in the prison
Be the tsunami pounding the resort,
the noreaster colder than ice
Be the fighter on a rampage with his second wind,
the hot sun on the Sahara
Be the fireball that rages from within,
let it out, let it go
I would rather you be that and more than kill me with your silence
Then I would at least have that

KonciouSLea Written…possibly asking for more than I bargain for


I woke up renewed
Like a child splashing his first puddle
I smiled like the sun though it is a rainy day
I won’t be a robot today
Look down at this attention grabbing device never to look up at…life
I…speak for myself though it’s the Times I rise with the intentions to never fall again
Today I let the rain wash the sleep from my eyes
Those dry tears through the night I cried
I decide let my eyes tell the story of a man victorious yet still racing
Today I walk taller
I am more free than I was to yesterday’s bondage paying homage to my strength
Today I won’t be weak minded
Today I won’t be blinded by my own insecurities
Today, though (just) another day…is mine

NaPoWriMo14 poem 9 (I think)
KonciouSLea Written for today

Erotic Dream Fulfilled


I am going to need your legs

Spread wide open for this

Welcome me into your world of an erotic dream fulfilled

Where you wake up wet and know exactly why

Where I am the sampler of your juiciest summer peach

Behold perfection in my hand

          and soon to my mouth

I . . . . .breathe deep inhaling the succulent sweet smell

It swirls straight through my nostrils

You help create a saliva which escapes slowly and subtly to the side of my mouth

It is only the beginning to the inner workings of what you evoke baby

Let it marinate

It is a nail biting anticipation as you await the next move

“Will I lick or suck?

Kiss or what?

Insert fingers and curl up?”

As in to beckon you to come unto me

Yeah, you want me right there where the spot has been hidden

I behold the master key penetrate deep and part the sea


Yes, I will need your legs spread so wide open for this

As I turn the combination of lips, tongue, and fingers into a four alarm fire

Where the mind fuck is in the question of turning the heat way up or putting out the flame

It is an enigma

Can walls get wetter in a fire?

You need the hose and it is dripping from all it’s girth

Aimed and ready to be released

You want to be quenched

The backdraft is ready to explode

Let it go

Let it blow

Sound the alarm

Yet the only emergency is the urgency to do it again

Tightly gripped sheets is the only part of the aggression

As you pull and grind yourself into a perfectly arched back

The flood gate has been opened

Screams and moans so unheard of that aliens from other planets only know my name

No need to be ashamed

Keep it coming right into my mouth until the thirst is quenched

Let me be your Christian Grey

The only different shades will be the tones in how you blush

          and all this

As it awaits. . . . .a penetrating thrust

This is the beginning


NaPoWriMo14 Poem 8

KonciouSLea written with. . . .well if you don’t know by now.

Tug-O’-War Door


I open up more to find that you closed the door

Brick walled with mortar, steel casing, barbed wired fencing and hovering Stealth Bombers at the ready

For my heart throbs in a state of shock at attempts never recognized

The past represent spies

Deceit, ME hating vulnerability, the cover up. . .lies

Change is just ignored

Sometimes. . .feels like most of the time

It is like closing your eyes and trying to drive. . .love

Yes, blind, crippled and crazy

Like returning home from war to be a part of another

I awake to nightmares of climbing the mountain of forgiveness with you

All because I am faced with the avalanche of trust-building produced by our screams

Fold me but let me guide myself because you are afraid

Retract and feelings go into hibernation

Obliterated emotions

Catatonic as to what to do or say I am the one left to


Open another door without a key to home

Therefore I drive

In front of me is the car that might be saving me

because sometimes. . .feels like most of the time

100 MPH is not fast enough

50 in a 35 is the speed of light in my life

Open is the engine and exhaust

Fatigue brings awareness and warning signs of slowing down

It is ignored because my attempt is to wear a crown for you

Be a king for you but, “heavy is the head that. . . .”

Blares the music

808’s and Heartbreak

Callouses are the signs of hard work in this thing

My mind speaks to me in ways that is cell splitting

As I focus on every turn in the road

The forks and pray that I choose the right way which is not hard at all

However my opening up is causing all of this to crumble and fall


Apart like individual pieces to the puzzle

Why can’t WE put this back together

Currently it is Me who holds the jigsaw when the table only had three legs to begin with

I wrack my brain for the missing piece which is you

Concealing it behind the door

Holding it in for you are afraid

I will stick my foot jammed in, reaching my hand in

Praying that you don’t slam it in. . .the door

Our sobs are heard, tears enough to swim in

For this is a beginning and I hope not an end

But when you express your distress it sounds like disinterest


The door just slams shut and echoes in my mind like a yodel

I don’t want to get used to this although it becomes melodic because you are still there

With your hand on the knob I call to my higher power that you just one time. . .open the door

For my heart beats aloud tune for you that can be seen through my chest

Brick walled with trust, encased with hope, white picked fenced with hovering helium filled balloons with Sharpie written poems at the ready.


NaPoWriMo14 Poem 7

KonciouSLea Written and never giving up on patience





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