Reevaluation

 

I know it’s been a while and though I’ve been writing and into other things…I know, I may have let you down.  These next posts are not in order to when I’ve written them.  I’ve been going through things and as promised, this is about my life.  I don’t know…I’ve spilled so much of my heart here that you either thing ‘poor guy’ or ‘this guy is really crazy.’  I am all of those I guess.  I’ve sacrificed so many relationships for the physical that it really is a shame and I feel ashamed.  I must move forward though for a better me.

So this next poem is about a relationship that I was in and shouldn’t have been in that ended…well, the way it needed to.  Take a read and leave comments.  I have to put WordPress back on my phone again.  I hope you enjoy.

 

They said that guys fuck girls half their age all the time

They don’t fall in love with them

So how is it that I can open myself up so emotionally?

Like Moses parting the Red Sea I should have seen it in the scrolls

A savage like myself she is and about that biz she, walked up like this was Mortal Kombat ripping my heart out

Leaving me standing there dazed and confused like a bowl smoked with deep conversation to follow

Damn.

Again I’m Mack truck blindsided guts all over this road called…lost

Whoa

So now I stare into this mirror like, what kinda man am I, as the stars spell Karma in the sky

I palms up, outstretched arms begging to rearrange them but no matter what I was

A M-A-R-K

Destined to feel this pain

Destined to regain a resolution to write some shit that will be felt for once in my chest that I reevaluate myself in the moment/s

This is real

A true Virgo she didn’t catch it as I asked her to access her inner cusper on the later end but see she’s Destined to be a Lion as I stare in this mirror like what kinda man am I?

To have compromised

Over what?

At this point, unsure feelings?

The cards of life dealing me deuces like gtfoh man you should know better

I argue like I knew what this was in my heart never really scratching this mirror with diamonds

Am I not a king?

Hm. Even Solomon had his issues and was favored…wasn’t he?

Why is it “that which I will to do, I do not?” Don’t let me get too deep

See this goes way back before I could read that verse and it plagued me

So I stand here in this mirror reevaluating lust and love

As Coffee by Miguel plays

Oh…the irony

 

KonciouSLea Written after looking in the mirror

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Spill for me

Not because I asked but because you want to.

I can’t make you be the example that I give you:

It’s simple in my world of a gallon of red Cool-Aid, falling in slow motion from the counter freshly made is how I spill for you.

I’m a mess all over for you yet you won’t even turn on the water.

Spill for me

Not because I ask but because you feel it as well.

A rhythmic heart beat meant to be two as one.

It’s simple in my world, like the steady hands during an open heart surgery, where time is waning baby blood is all over me and I fuckin’ love it.

I look like the survivor of a head-on collision, yet you can’t turn the key.

Spill for me

Not because I asked but because you want to let it out and can’t hold it anymore.

You say I can’t see that there’s at least a door encased in the brick wall…or is it a window?

“But, why do I have to battering ram my way in to YOUR heart?”

Spill for me please like the guts of a dead racoon.  Make it raw.  Baby make it nasty, just make it real.  Make it as appealing as the blade to a wrist.  Spill all that is within.  Spray ME with every emotion you never dared to give.  Please…

Spill for me

Not because I asked but because you found the moment to do so

Not because it’s a chore

Not because you can’t swallow your pride

Not because you have something to hide

For I’m not asking you to open old wounds, I’m asking you to heal.  Spill all that is real.  I know it’s there, yet it’s the attainable that I want to feel.

Is that too much to ask?
KonciouSLea Written emotionaLea


When I’m with you

…..time escapes through a window left open…..which is my heart.

KonciouSLea Written


Autumn

She blew in, varying fragmented leaves which pixilated to form the picture
And I stood in awe, captivated and encompassed in her whirlwind
She whispers “I get you”
Only the squirrels would peep peripherals as they scamper and hop in search of the same feelings she would bring
Uncertainty
Like them I know I left my heart there buried in a certain spot to return for later, & there she has it
Without even asking for it, she has it
I didn’t mind for a second as the fleeting moment would take on an entire season
Each embrace bringing chills upon the back of my neck and a kiss which leaves me in a forever daydream
With a lust that I can taste on the tip of my tongue
Who can resist though she hides behind her ever changing hues yet presents the same
It’s Autumn
Yeah, but there’s something different
The smell of the air
The way that car is parked there
The way the leaves crunch beneath my feet even leave a lasting impression
Have I not been here before?
Why do I want to dive in head first?
The rain
The sound of that train
Even the eerie feel of the dark doesn’t feel so weighted in her presence
Therefore we laugh and I’m back in that whirlwind again
I pray for time to stop
Rewind or to travel in time that I may be able to see through the leaves where this is going
I guess to Winter
…..but there I find leaves beneath the snow
It is there, I find Autumn…..again

KonciouSLea Written in a seasonal time

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The universe

couldn’t be so vast yet together we light the sky
East to West we reach across to one another
Beautifully like a Michelangelo painting
You are intricate
Delicately protected
The projection of you in my mind runs reel to reel
A framework to which I’d gaze at each one preserving the tape in its original form for you are timeless
I want to be the one to write you
Letters on your skin so finely detailed that it would combine with each strand of hair intently to spell intrest
To dispel any insecurity
To swaddle you in verbs and nouns leaving you breathless
Speechless
Yet I see you, though you’re so far away
I hope you don’t mind if I stay

KonciouSLea Written though world’s apart


I’mprisoned

Layers of insecurity chipped at with the pickaxe only to find thicker layers of shame
The wrecking ball shattered against the impenetrable wall of regrets
The earthquake even fatigues at the sight of a foundation built on sorrow

Some have tried to find a realness inside to no avail
However, it looked like stars on the outside
Something to have
Something to grab at
She said,

“I’ll buy it”

Not knowing that
Anxiety painted trails over the floor in blood
The brushes would never dry for they would be soaked in tears
Graffiti would layer the walls telling a story of years ago which plays like a broken record in his mind
Against the peeled paint she presses her heart as he presses the barrel against his temple
She says

“This is all I have.”

Barbed wire intertwines with brick as he lays on another layer of fear
All she wants to do is envision what is behind the wall
All she wants is in
What’s so deep inside that he must hide?
Why is this the wall that she must climb

Encased therein imprisoned is he
Encased therein imprisoned is he
Encased therein imprisoned is he
Encased therein I’mprisoned is me

image

By Gemal Woods

Photo by Gemal Woods

(C) KonciouSLea Written because I know what it’s like to be imprisoned within yourself.
8/30 NaPoWriMo 2015


Unattainable Stars

From time to time you pop in and I’m
Reborn again
Walking out of the baptismal waters feeling anew
Mind, body and spirit on hyper speed
Cosmos aligned, speaking to me
Intelligent conversations, and some about the freakishly way a cow looks when it walks
You get me
Then hide again
It’s like reaching from here for a star then realizing how dreadfully unattainable that is
Leaving me to settle for a starfish
I mean, who has ever held a fallen star anyway
We’ve seen them, wonder where they go and wish we could have caught it
You couldn’t just be a figment of my imagination
Because how do you come and go?
You could never remain
That would be too obvious
So not you, yet
The feeling is just. . .addictive
Yeah
Like pupils dilated
I await your pop in like a fiend who thinks he found a rock in the carpet addictive
Some just know what’s not good for them, yet they smoke it anyway
Sometimes I just want to burn

(C) KonciouSLea Written, and yes. . .I’ve discovered that I’m really freaked out at the way cows walk.
7/30 NaPoWriMo 2015